Tips From Local Experts on How to Handle Our New Normal
I'm not sure what life has been like for you the last couple of weeks, but we've had a lot of questions on our minds. Many of our lifestyles have changed entirely, and we're still figuring out our new normal. To help us get through this, we asked two local experts and clinical psychologists to answer some of our most burning questions on how to deal with COVID-19, staying at home with our kids, and the change in family dynamics. Here are their very helpful answers. We are so lucky to have local resources like these ladies!
How do I speak to my children about COVID-19, having to stay at home and why they can’t play with their friends?
Be authentic. Use honest, developmentally appropriate language to give them simple answers to their questions. Don’t be afraid to talk to them about what's going on, what is changing, what is staying the same--and keep talking about it. It’s not a one time deal. Children really need a lot of repetition to process new things. Don’t feel that you need to elaborate or share too much detail, just address the specific questions they are offering up. Acknowledge that things are different, and also acknowledge your own feelings. When you’re having a hard day, your child already knows it—it’s better to let them hear it from you and process it with you than have to guess at why. Just be sure to reassure them that things will be okay and that you will all get through this together as a family.
If your child is feeling frustrated, disappointed, sad or confused, the best approach is to validate their emotions and let them know that you understand—don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or distract them from them. “You really miss your teacher right now, it’s so hard when you can’t see her everyday.” Once you validate, you can help them move through their feelings by asking them to participate in problem solving. “Do you want to make a card to send to her so she knows you’re missing her?” Sometimes the answer will be no—they might just need to be upset, and that’s ok. You can let them know that you get it and that you’re here for them if they want to talk to you about it. Be aware that if your child is more difficult than usual, more defiant, having more tantrums, less able to be flexible, etc. this could just be the way they are managing this stressor. Again, acknowledge that “I know this change in our routine is really hard.”
Think of this as an opportunity to model for your children resilience in the face of adversity and acceptance of challenging feelings.
How do I adjust to being at home with my spouse and kids full-time?
Getting used to a new routine takes time, for kids and for grownups. Give yourself grace and time to adjust. Here are a few tips:
Whenever possible, SLOW DOWN, do less, connect more.
Try your best to develop a routine and stick to it. Routines and schedules are really grounding and centering for children. All children do better with structure. This can be a loose schedule but any type of schedule is helpful.
Build in lots of breaks—breaks from work, breaks from the kids, breaks from your spouse! Even if it’s only 5 minutes, try to find some time and space to be alone and to BREATHE (seriously, it helps calm your nervous system down!)
If you’re working from home, try to create a designated work space and try not to multitask (I know, I know, but try). When you’re working work, and when you’re with the kids be with the kids, fully. And then when you’re alone, be alone—tune in, soothe, recharge, reflect on what is working and what isn’t working (without judgement) and let go of whatever you cannot control.
Be mindful about your consumption of news. Try to limit your news check-ins to predesignated times throughout the day so you know what's going on but aren't being inundated. It's also important to be aware that children, even young ones, can absorb what’s happening on the news. So this means even little kids can take in the news that’s running in the background, so once you've gotten your update, turn it off.
This is going to be hard at times, but you’re a parent—you can do very hard things!
How can I be productive and really make the most of this time with my family right now?
Set realistic expectations! Things will look different, and productivity will take on a new meaning, so be patient and flexible!
Be kind to yourself and flexible with yourself. We are all trying our best in these amazingly unusual circumstances.
TRIAGE! Try to tackle the most important tasks first, delegate wherever possible, and accept that not everything will always get done.
Slow down, do less, connect more. This is a unique opportunity in our usually hectic and busy lives to do fewer things with more intention. Resist the urge to over schedule! Less is more!
Remember that children are creative, independent, and resilient little people. If you allow them to, they can get lost in their own worlds (and you can get things done)! Try setting up an invitation to play (a great resource for ideas is @theworkspaceforchildren) and then sitting back and allowing them uninterrupted child led independent play. If this is a new way of playing for your children, remember that independent play may only last a few minutes at first—don’t get discouraged. As they get more comfortable and confident, their attention spans will lengthen.
Set up virtual play dates that can be built into the schedule. Be creative about the technology! Perhaps kids can bake together do an art project together.
Take stock of the important things. Working from home with kids is hard and stressful and exhausting. But your kids will likely look back on this and remember it as a time when they got to be home with mom and dad, and how special that was!
Sarah Bren, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in psychodynamic and relationship-based approaches to working with young adults, adults, parents, and families. She is passionate about helping people and families develop deeper, more meaningful connections within themselves and with others, foster respectful and emotionally secure relationships, reduce suffering, and increase effectiveness and confidence. She has a keen interest in teaching parents, caregivers, and childcare organizations about how respectful parenting principles can improve the quality of their relationships with their loved ones and, in turn, help the children in their lives to become authentic, confident, independent, and kind. Sarah has a private practice in Pelham, NY and currently offers virtual therapy sessions.
Emily Upshur, PhD is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in NYC and Westchester. Dr. Upshur has experience working with individuals across the lifespan. She focuses specifically on women’s health, including the transition to parenthood, as well as extensive work with children and families. Dr. Upshur has expertise in trauma-focused interventions, family therapy, mother-infant therapy, parent work, as well as child-focused interventions. Her research has focused on adoption, changes in family composition, multicultural identity, and the impact of trauma on families and children. Dr. Upshur believes in supporting every member of the family system as they navigate life stressors and adjustment issues to promote resilience in the face of adversity. Emily has a private practice in Pelham, NY and currently offers virtual therapy sessions.